I just thought this was interesting....

I want to say that suddenly I feel this way,

but maybe it isn't suddenly, maybe I've felt this way for a long time, I feel like a fish out of water, like I don't belong

Its not just my job, but just life in general

I look around and see all these people that are so hell bent on money and power and they talk about having ambition to "have more in life", but more of what?  I realize that all of it is meaningless, I work every day for nothing really, to pay someone to live...shouldn't that be free?  They ask me what I want to do with my life...what are my goals? My mind goes blank...I think about my daughter, I think about my art, I think about healing and helping other people...I suppose I should be thinking of how to make more money...

I feel the weight of the world on me.  I'm a single mom, so it is all up to me...I worry for my daughter's sake that I won't be able to pay the bills or find us a decent house in a good neighborhood, I worry about putting her in school and all the what ifs, I worry about if I'm teaching her how to be a good person, not just for Karma's sake, but just because...

I've watched as my life has just slowly disintegrated over a short period of time.  All the people that mean something to me just slowly fade away.  Sure, its a natural course of life to lose people, but what happened to the core of the family, people you could always count on no matter what?  What happened to loyalty and honor and defending those weaker than you?  Instead of taking advantage of someone when they are trusting?  Is it the break down of society or just my morality?  Am I just old-fashioned, lost in the could-have-beens?  Just negative?  Maybe just unrealistic?  That's an easy word...realism.  Let things be as they are and don't fight to change it for the better and call it being realistic...

I don't want to be a realist, I WANT to have ideals, I WANT to have morals, I WANT to be able to raise my daughter and not just watch her grow up.  I don't want the world, I want to help heal the world, what the hell is wrong with that?  I don't want ambition, or money, or power..I just want to LIVE, be able to laugh, be able to love unconditionally, to be free 

So, I'm just going to put it out there...sure I might get some creepy responses, but what the Hel..

Where have all the good Pagan men gone?   

I mean, I've been looking around for a while now, but it seems all I meet are  either gay or married, or just generally creepy...

No, really, I've met the I-am-High-Pooba-Wizard-of-the-universe types, the I-want-to-meet-a-witch-cause-I-think-she'll-be-kinky type,  the I-read-one-book-and-now-I'm-a-Druid type or the I-want-to-add-you-to-my-collection-of-girlfriend/wives type;  etc...

I just want to meet the I'm-a-normal-person-that-happens-to-be-a-Pagan type...is that so hard? 

sigh...I suppose it is...

Rant over

So, I hardly ever get a chance to write.  The little one is sleeping, so I'm taking advantage of this chance.  I've been almost obsessed with the elements as of late.  I've given a lot of thought to them and their place in the magickal realm.  My friends snicker at me, saying that I over think things.  But when it comes to casting a place from no place inbetween worlds, can you really overthink anything>  What place do the elements have within the magical cycle?  I, like most, have gone along with the things I've read...the excepted way to cast, for fear of the universe exploding in chaos if I slipped up...*l*  But I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine a few years ago and I started thinking.  I'm sure in most circles it is excepted that the elements coincide with different actions, feelings, places, beings, etc.  But Does the order that you call them matter?  When I'm casting for general reasons, I would say not so much.  But in a spell, everything seems to matter, from the opening to the closing, order prevails to say the least.  One wrong word and the whole thing goes down the toliet...so to speak.  So after much time thinking about it, I've started casting in a new way..."Great Goddess...no!" you might say...but alas it is done and with interesting results.  I have replaced the order that I call the elements and also the directions I call them in.  I'll explain...The East it seems should be the beginning, as our day always begins there, with the ultimate representation of FIRE that there is..the SUN rising.  Fire is also the element of DESIRE..the beginning of every process, without the DESIRE to do something, nothing would come to BE.  The ROOT is desire. The next step to any process is PLANNING or Dreaming, which is rightly a WATERy aspect.  To draw upon the IMAGINATION, to bring it from the HEART.  And so is the rightful next element to call, so therefore in a clockwise circle would fall in the SOUTH.  After planning is ACTION, to MOVE something into BEING.  Without ACTION there is nothing but a DREAM.  It is the force of the WILL or the MIND, a very AIRy element.  And would put us in the WEST.  Of course when all these elements come together, the MANIFESTATION would be in the PHYSICAL plane, EARTHLY and found in the NORTH.  Not to forget the fifth and most important element of SPIRIT, within and without nothing moves, nothing breathes, nothing beats or comes to be without She who is in all...

Feel free to call me crazy or whatnot....

Namaste--Sophia